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its all so similar

everything is on repeat in my life. spin that fucking record round round. i feel like everything i have ever done or experienced just continues in different forms and im still fucking miserable.im great at giving advice, just not to myself.
so i swore i wouldn't start up another one of these fucking live journals. but as it turns out keeping an actual written journal involves work and is tiring. therefore i think i will stick to this for now. i never thought things would end up like they are now. george washington university, yup im here. out of place but at the same time completely nsync with what is going on at this place. i still can't believe im here. the unexpectedness of the situation is beyond words. and im out of xanax. damn. todays events consisted of the following: waking up 2 some bitch knocking on my door from "health and safety" and then taking my toaster away. cunt. took my pills. woke up for real. coffee at the infamous 711. then class in hollywood which today was quite lackluster. no films.. and i dont give a shit about ruffled dresses. then more theater. starting with deadly scenes from gladiator which was a nice turn of pace yet ending with a discussion that i just could not discuss. yeah. back to cell block 9. started drinking around 4 something. tequila shots. then cosmos. very drunk. chipotle and all of the latter with matthew. then cabbing it back to mine and passing out till 2 am. waking up with a serious lack of hydration. then cigs and water at the 711 once again. outside the patio i go, when i see chad. smoke some hookah with him and well i really dont know who the fuck they were but they were nice none the less. dodging justins phone calls. then calling back an hour later in desperation of conversation. yet no one would pick up their phone. now back in my cell, the air is cut off now. i can't live like that. windows open fan going and spice girls blasting. 'ever searching for the one' tomorrow papa fark comes. ill live at the doubletree for the remainder of the weekend. not wanting to do anything but appeasing my father and attending some exhibit involving ansel adams, who i actually do like but have no desire to walk the halls of a museum in which to admire his work currently, then my father will leave sunday. i will beg him to let me come with, even for just the night. to have a night at home and grab a bundle or 2 of heroin. drugs are the only thing that makes me happy anymore. i dont have friends just people who i get along with better then others. and then ryan who i will get high with and for a little while be content. how did i end up in this fucking mess?
so i've been out of commission for close to three days now. at the moment i am finally out of bed, with a giant venti iced carmel mach in my veins and some adderall with another pill cocktail hopin that it will work its way into my nervous system soon. listening to a mixture of


i wake up from a dream that i can't very well remember. i finish a film which just depresses me more. i make myself a rather strong drink and sit outside smoking trying desperately to find someone to speak to on the phone. of course this doesnt happen. i move inside, now slightly drink with some xanax on the side and i realize, i would not mind dieing today. right now. there is nothing but more work to look forward 2. im tired of politics, im tired of playing games. and i just want to sleep for the longest time possible.


thats right. the spice girls are touring IN THE US as well again!!! in NYC, LA, LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PROMOTE PROMOTE PROMOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they tried to make me to to rehab...

last day of summer 1 classes. thank god. god its fucking early. latte's and adderall and redbull don't even have me moving yet. fuckers. off to shower then run lines with sarah then PERFORM haha then fucking done bitches haha woooooot!

my nose BLEEDS

to sum things up.  left last thursday. shane got me in philly. got home. threw a rager. pussy punch. old friends. new and old faces. it was nice. i was content. had some mad fun with my beautiful C. brought on 2 other crew members and they enjoyed as well. kinda scared myself a lil. nate stayed over, the two of us passed out. cleaned like mad the next morning. then went out in search of more fun. had it. drove off haha. pissed off "k" or whatever the fucker's name was. drove around with jimmy all day and just reunited on past events. sadly he enters rehab today. then a program in maryland. i wont be seeing him for awhile. dont remember days exactly. had everyone over another night. mad hookah party, politics. pool usage. young people i forgot that they existed. then wellingtons one night. saw people im proud of. found out about chelsea....im very proud of her. cannot express that enough :) she did it, by herself, worked hard and did it. i knew she could i just thought she lacked the desire. i just wish we were in touch again. didnt see chelsea 2 or courtney 2. drove aimlessly with natalie and ellen. loving it. she looks amazing. im going to chile for almost 6 months. i wanna lose 25 pounds!!!  class starts in less then an hour. don't feel like it but it amazes me how much fun and how close i can get with 6 other people in such a short period of time. i need to decide if im stayin or not. as of now, well im supposed to leave here friday, classes end thursday. but there are jobs. and i dont know if i should stay here or not. i was reminded of how much i love home but at the same time i was reminded how much i need to disappear  from there. i don't want to end up like...that. you know what i mean. rewrote paper. never worked so fucking hard. 9 pages. it BETTER get a fucking a or A MOTHER FUCKING + im tired and unaware yet at the same time i begin to realize that this is the beginning of the end of things....for now. i love the family. i love everyone.. bridges have been built back up. there is only one now that is burned to the ground. but with that there is nothing i can do but wait. time "always time, in my mind" i have to call that company and see if they still want me. i had to reschedule their interview. i wasn't ready for it that day. if i get that job. 15 an hour. i'd work full time almost. when june ends smoking will end. even if i am still here. all of my professional wardrobe is home. i hope these people like lacoste polos. i want to be  promiscuous again haha. once more. though i dont know if it will happen. thats horrible. well im off to shower. begin the day.... its all about the he said she said bullshit!

let go

i feel as though this is all a sham. and it truly is. i cannot find happiness in anything that is real anymore. whatever real means. i suppose that means i cannot find happiness anywhere. i just want to stop for awhile. maybe forever. i just can't help thinking if i stopped right now, at least it would look wonderful on paper. hopefully people would be sad and not forget. unlikely. my life is meaningless currently. there is nothing to look forward to that isn't something immoral or too far away or wrong. think positive all that bullshit. it doesnt even make sense. im in the capitol of the world and things are changing every moment. to me however life is just an endless bad dream. highs and lows dont even exist anymore. or if they do im not that aware. i want to cry a thousand tears. i want to cry until the end of time. what burden i am upon my family, my friends, society. i forget the last time i did something to deserve all that i have. actually the truth is i could never. i've been given so much and yet im ready to just give up on everything and everyone. how do you pay back a debt which isn't matter? i just want to go home. feel like christy loves me. feel like the rest of them love me. buy up a bundle. have an amazing night, and keep going until my heart stops beating. or i dont want to die but i dont want to live. i think im going to enter that center in conn. maybe it will help me. maybe it will fix me and i can go on living a life that would be normal whatever that is. inside im screaming. outside is a mask which i've hidden behind for far too long. i thought things would be different. nothing compares anymore. i thank god for what little bit of life i am able to fully participate in. at the same time i just want to go away for awhile. a long time. find myself or something. being this lonely is killing me. yet there are people all around who claim to have my best interest in mind. torture me. those are the words in the back of my mind haunting me until this is all over. im asking for it. theres no other explanation. i can't go on like this. i cant continue with all of these lies and tears and friends who are surreal and were never valid members of my life in the first place. just stop all of this. just let me go away.
randomly last night i actually ended up hanging out with emily instead of going to "the party". and i hung out with the neighbors from across the hall. we actually went to 404 and did the whole ghost thing with a bob marley song. it was in this poor girls room who just arrived from hong kong this morning!! we ended up with ten people in her room and it was alas not working but funny as hell. i acted like the shit, asked for bitches id's. and claimed wingman status. it would be funny as fuck to take those kids out and get them girls. i really want to do it now actually haha. today is just well today. nothing amazing. i think i might go to baltimore on thursday and stay the night or do a day trip. i love the view from the Hyatt bar. tomorrow however is big politics day for the dems. @  7:30 AM Hillary is addressing people at the capitol hilton and sadly i cannot attend, however at 11:30 obama is doing the same and i will be there, following that tomorrow at 5:15 there is a fundraiser for edwards at some club downtown and i will be in attendance. can't wait!!! i just wish i could hear hillary again in the morning but this fucking class!!


debating whether or not to wake up in the morning.